County Day PTA
by Red Witch
Summary: AJ's school has gotten a lot more interesting since she enrolled in it.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone off to a meeting of some sorts. Just more madness from my teeny-tiny little mind. **

**County Day PTA **

"Well this is another fun morning at the Figgis Agency," Cyril sighed as he sat in the bullpen with most of the others. "No cases, no work. No hope."

"That's right Cyril," Ray remarked as he ate a bagel. "Just go on keeping our morale up."

"Where's Lana?" Cheryl blinked as she took a bagel from a huge box of pastries on a table. "Not that I care I just want to make sure I get some food in my mouth before Big Hands grabs them."

"Probably stuck in traffic again," Krieger shrugged as he drank some coffee. "The commute from County Day to here is a real pain in the morning."

"Didn't County Day have a PTA meeting last night?" Ray realized.

"Yeah," Pam was reading a newspaper. "Considering all the problems County Day has had that should be fun."

"Considering they started ever since AJ was enrolled at that school…" Cyril began.

"You are such a ray of sunshine, Cyril," Ray remarked. "It's like listening to Sunny McRainbow."

"What are you reading Pam?" Cyril asked.

"A **newspaper!**" Cheryl scoffed. "Duh!"

"I'm reading about this guy who was pissed off because he went to a Mexican restaurant and he saw a lot of words in Spanish," Pam read. "And then he went on a rant and trashed the place. Which is really stupid. It's like going to a bar and being shocked that alcohol is served there."

"Or going to an Italian place," Ray added. "And being shocked that pasta is on the menu."

"Going to McDonalds," Cyril added. "And finding out burgers are on the menu. As well as cholesterol."

"Going to a French restaurant," Cheryl spoke up. "And finding French words on the menu. And that the pate is way overpriced."

"You guys going into my lab and discovering that I have rats," Krieger spoke up. "By the way has anyone **seen** any rats lately? Particularly some brown and white ones with little hats and robot tails? Just asking. No reason."

"You will also find Italian words in an Italian restaurant," Cheryl added.

"Let's face it," Pam said. "You go to any restaurant with **any ties** to a different country or ethnicity, you can't be shocked that you might find words that aren't in English. Unless you go to a place that's named Big Bob's All American All English Burgers and Stuff That's American…You really should know better."

"I don't see the problem," Cheryl said. "Even I know some Spanish words. Fajita. Quesadilla. Taco. Nacho. Burrito. Tequila. Margarita. Sangria. Mojitos. Just point to any two or three of those words and you're all set! What's so hard about **that?"**

"A lot of these places just have pictures," Krieger said. "You could just point."

"It's like people just don't have any common sense anymore," Cheryl shrugged as she reached for some rubber glue.

"Your words," Ray said as Cheryl started to sniff it.

"What was the PTA meeting about anyway?" Krieger asked.

"Lana said it was in response to the cheating scandal," Pam explained.

"Which she and Ms. Archer were part of," Krieger added. "But they were able to get away with it by naming other people."

"And Lana using the race card like Archie Karas," Cheryl added. "Of course, this was right after the other scandal where she brought in the pot laced brownies for the bake sale."

"Which we bought," Krieger admitted. "And everybody got high on."

"It's been at least three weeks since those two scandals happened," Ray realized. "Or is it four?"

"Well a lot did happen that week," Pam told him. "I mean in addition to the scandal at County Day we had to save our asses from the whole data breach debacle."

"A lot of stores closed that week," Cheryl said. "As well as a few fistfights and riots at them."

"And fires," Ray looked at Cheryl.

"Yeah," Cheryl giggled. "**That** was fun."

"So were those episodes of Krieger's Korner we did," Pam added. "As well as that TV interview Cheryl and I were on."

"What wasn't fun was Ms. Archer screaming like a maniac at me on the phone," Cyril grumbled. "Good thing I was able to put down the phone and walk away. You know Mallory yelled at me for an hour and a half and didn't even notice I wasn't listening?"

"I worked on my scrapbooks," Pam said. "Got one of them done."

"The cops raided the café next door," Krieger added. "That business is done."

"Didn't take long for the landlord of that building to find new tenants," Pam said. "A new café went up in like a couple of weeks."

"Krieger first pitched his idea for a crypto town," Cheryl added. "Before taking Ms. Archer's money and mine the following week."

"And the agency's!" Cyril added. "Which reminds me I need to pay that stupid property tax bill."

"We had an earthquake and a classic Cheryl rampage," Ray added. "During poker night."

"And we learned the awesomeness of bacon and sausage pizza," Cheryl added. "Meaning Cyril was right about something!"

"Just saying," Cyril shrugged. "And we also learned we irradiated the Grand Canyon."

"We ate out at some nice restaurants," Pam added. "And one really crappy one. But it burned to the ground…"

"And Cyril was able to do another arson investigation," Cheryl cheered. "Making both my company and our agency money!"

"A lot of stuff **did **happen during that week didn't it?" Cyril realized.

"A lot of stuff has been happening to us since Archer went into the damn coma," Cheryl pointed out. "Seriously, even Days of our Lives doesn't drag out coma storylines this long."

"Ugh, that traffic just gets worse every day," Lana groaned as she walked in carrying a large briefcase. "Seriously, I think they just bus people in just to sit in traffic and make it longer."

"How did it go last night?" Pam asked.

"Well it was an interesting PTA meeting," Lana sighed as she sat down. "I tell you, it was refreshing **not **being the one called incompetent and a danger to society for a change."

"They still don't know you're the one who brought the pot laced brownies in huh?" Pam asked.

"And they're **not going** to know," Lana glared at her. "Laurie Whose Name Is Now Mud brought them in. Needless to say, she's not only out of a job but a career. She's been kicked out of the teaching program she was a part of."

"I kind of feel bad that happened to her," Cyril admitted.

"Don't," Lana said. "Turns out the vice principal wasn't the only one Laurie was playing Find the Zipper with. Including the head of the teaching program of her college. Whom as it turns out was fired. Not just for sleeping with a student of the teaching program, but admitting students in that teaching program that had no credentials whatsoever."

"You mean…" Ray did a double take. "Laurie didn't have the grades or complete the curriculum to be in a teaching program?"

"Laurie didn't even graduate **high school**," Lana said. "She's nineteen. She dropped out her second senior year to become a Playboy Bunny. Turns out you need at least a high school degree for that."

"Oh my God!" Ray gasped.

"I know," Lana said. "This whole scandal has a huge ripple effect. Apparently because of the pot laced brownies, the entire school system of California is going to have a major overhaul. As well as a new anti-drug program."

"Ripple effect?" Cyril asked. "What do you mean by ripple effect?"

Lana sighed. "The pot brownies got a lot of teachers fired as well as the vice principal and Laurie. Laurie ended up getting the head of the teaching program at the University of LA fired. The former head of the teaching program at the University of LA squealed on all sorts of illegal activities within the school and got his supervisor fired. His supervisor squealed on all sorts of **other **activities and not only is the Dean of the University of LA getting fired, but half of the Department of Education in California. Well the ones that haven't been or are about to be arrested."

"Holy pot-snacks!" Pam gasped.

"That's a ripple effect," Cyril admitted.

"And that's not even counting the cheating scandal," Lana added. "Which as you know is a **separate scandal** on its own!"

"Which you and Ms. Archer ratted and rolled," Pam added.

"Technically AJ is part of the affirmative action program," Lana pointed out.

Pam pointed out. "AJ **is **the affirmative action program. I haven't seen one kid darker than lily white once!"

"That is going to change," Lana said. "A topic I brought up at the meeting. It was very well received considering the circumstances."

"Which are…?" Cyril asked.

"Over a hundred parents are taking their kids out of County Day," Lana groaned. "And a huge chunk of the PTA has either already been kicked out or will be. Or in some cases moving to another state."

"I thought only 30 something parents were found to bribe the school?" Ray asked.

"They were," Lana said. "The rest of them are taking their kids **out **of County Day and placing them in other schools. Between Stratton, the faulty fire sprinkler system incident, the pot brownie incident, the cheating incident, and the extended teacher's strike. County Day's reputation has taken a major hit."

"We weren't responsible for the fire sprinklers, right?" Pam asked.

"No, we were not," Cyril clarified. "That was Stratton. Technically we weren't a hundred percent responsible for Stratton either. He was already involved in Long Water and embezzling from the school long before we showed up."

"We were just responsible for the whole murder/suicide part," Ray explained. "And bringing Long Water to light."

"Which as we know sent a lot of **other ripples**," Pam added. "Getting other people fired. Or causing them to commit suicide. Or murdered."

"Remember I told you about that snob Lacy Levane?" Lana asked.

"That bitch that's the head of the Pre-Preschool committee?" Ray asked. "Who was having an affair with one of the teachers? And you were blackmailing to be accepted in the social circle?"

"Right," Lana sighed. "The teacher she was having an affair with got high on the brownies. And he blabbed. To the wrong people who told Lacy's husband what was going on. Long story short…"

"Too late," Cyril quipped.

"Lacy and her husband are getting a divorce," Lana recapped, ignoring Cyril. "The teacher Lacy was having an affair with got fired and is getting deported back to Spain. Lacy is currently moving to Spain to be with her lover. Lacy's soon to be ex-husband pulled his kids out of County Day and has moved them to be close to his parents who live in Connecticut."

"In other words," Pam realized. "There goes your in."

"Not exactly," Lana sighed. "Let's just say that PTA meeting was a lot smaller than the last one."

"Smaller?" Cyril asked.

"Lot of people are still moving their kids **out** of County Day," Lana explained. "The ones that weren't caught bribing or cheating are taking their kids out to get away from the stigma of the bribing and cheating. Or in cases like Lacy's, divorce."

"I gotta ask," Pam looked interested. "How much divorce are we talking about?"

"Well the former vice principal obviously," Lana sighed. "Three teachers and one of the janitors. At least nine other couples. One of Lacy's friends is also getting a divorce. I think it's Barbie."

"Oh my God," Ray whistled.

"Twenty-three parents have been arrested due to the cheating scandal," Lana added. "Nine have fled the country with their kids. Two more just got indicted. Oh, and one couple turned out to be part of the witness protection program and had to be relocated. They weren't cheating. The program just thought that they would be safer **away** from County Day."

"_Seriously?"_ Cyril was stunned.

"Four teachers have been fired," Lana went on. "Two suspended and five are currently in rehab. With their status depending on how successful the treatment program is."

"Whoa," Pam realized.

"The school psychiatrist who ate the brownies had a nervous breakdown," Lana kept going. "Apparently the pot didn't mesh well with his medication. And his wife didn't react well to the news that he was having an affair with one of the school nurses. The nurse has left County Day to run her own rescue horse ranch in Wyoming."

"Good for her," Ray said.

Lana went on. "One of the other janitors and a lunch lady has been fired for secretly growing hallucinogenic mushrooms in one of the back rooms and selling them to parents."

"I know," Krieger sighed. "Okay that one was my bad. But in my defense, I told them **not** to grow those spores near food!"

"Ironically those two are probably the only ones that didn't squeal," Pam remarked.

"Another lunch lady used to be a man," Lana remarked. "And married to two women at the same time. And currently owes not only fifty grand to the IRS but a lot of back child support."

"It's the one with the Adam's apple wasn't it?" Krieger asked.

"One teacher's aide quit over principles," Lana said. "Wanted to work somewhere with more ethics. She's decided to go into college education administration."

"Interesting choice," Ray remarked.

"Another teacher's aide was dismissed and is now suing County Day with a sexual harassment lawsuit," Lana added. "And a teacher has quit deciding to get out of the educational profession and go into a business that is slightly less scandalous. He's going to be a sports lawyer."

"Geezy Pete," Cyril whistled. "I should have gone into that. That's where the real money is."

"Speaking of money…" Lana paused. "They did another audit of the school and it was discovered that **another** board member was embezzling money from the endowment fund."

"No!" Ray gasped.

"Yes," Lana said. "Well that's what the police said when they came to arrest her in the middle of the PTA meeting."

"**No!"** Pam and Ray gasped at once.

"Yes," Lana nodded. "She then made a lovely little racist tirade. Right before she charged at a black female police officer who tasered her. I admit I enjoyed that."

"Is it on Me Tube?" Pam asked.

"Why **wouldn't it** be?" Ray asked. "Everything else is."

"There may be more people pulling their children out of County Day," Lana admitted. "A lot of people have either lost their jobs or may be indicted. The full count is still climbing. Apparently, those people targeted in the scandals are ratting on **other people** on their scandals."

"Like you and Ms. Archer did?" Pam asked.

"Yes," Lana admitted. "There are one or two other parents that have gotten off on technicalities…"

"As in technically they ratted on other people with **bigger crimes**?" Ray asked. "And were able to present more evidence against those other people than the police had on them? So, they made a deal to get the charges dropped?"

"Yes," Lana sighed in exasperation. "Apparently some other parents found out about the first parents squealing. That's why the police were called into the PTA meeting in the **first place**. To stop the brawl."

"Brawl?" Cyril did a double take.

"There were some confrontations," Lana sighed. "Things were said. Affairs were admitted. As well as one possible attempted murder. Honestly it was weird not being the one caught in the middle for a change."

"_Anything else_?" Ray asked. "Because this whole thing sounds like a PTA meeting at Harper Valley."

"Well…" Lana sighed. "In the middle of the brawl one of the parents had a nervous breakdown and confessed to being an alcoholic and is going to rehab. Another mother confessed to having an affair with one of her friend's husbands. And another husband announced that he was gay and decided to leave his wife to find his truth."

"Damn it," Ray said. "I should go to these meetings."

"And another couple was arrested at the meeting," Lana added. "Seems that they not only were not living in the district, they were part of a drug ring."

"Forget Harper Valley," Ray remarked. "We've jumped right into that town in Weeds."

"It was a really weird meeting," Lana said. "Even thought technically I was kind of responsible for most of it snowballing to avalanche proportions nobody even thought of assigning me blame. I did get assigned to something however."

"What?" Cyril asked.

"You are now looking at the Head of the Diversity Committee for County Day," Lana said.

"What exactly does that do?" Cheryl asked.

"Basically, I am in charge of hiring a firm to analyze data of minority applicants for grades pre-pre-kindergarten and twelve," Lana said. "To find the optimum number of maximum capacity percentage as per the government's initiative."

"What does that mean in English?" Pam asked.

Lana explained. "I've been hired to hire someone to pick out fifty rich minority kids and put them in all the grades in County Day before the school loses it's Affirmative Action funding. And guess who I've hired."

"For how much?" Cyril asked.

"Thirty-five grand," Lana said as she picked up the briefcase and opened it up. "All we have to do is pick the first fifty kids that aren't white and make sure there's at least three of them in each grade. And since there are at least sixty applications here that shouldn't be a problem."

"When do they expect us to **do this**?" Cyril gasped.

"Uh…" Lana paused. "By the end of the week. But this should only take a few hours so…"

"So, let me get this straight," Cyril spoke up. "We're getting **paid** to solve a problem **we created?"**

"That's weird," Cheryl remarked. "Usually we just create the problems and move on to the next one."

"How did you convince whoever was in charge that a detective agency…" Cyril began.

"Ah that's the thing," Lana said. "I said we weren't just a detective agency. We were also a consulting agency. And a data analysis agency as well as specializing in legal advice."

"So basically…" Krieger paused. "You bullshitted until they believed it."

"Not as much as you would think," Lana shrugged. "School administrators looking at possible indictment are surprisingly gullible."

"How are we going to judge which kids get in?" Ray asked.

"Oh, you don't have to," Lana said. "I already did that last night. It only took an hour because some grades only had like two or three kids applying. The hardest one was middle school. That was the biggest pool."

"Oh my God…" Cyril said.

"Don't worry Cyril," Lana waved. "The parents of the kids who didn't get in are mostly oil tycoons or hedge fund managers. It's not like they can't afford tutors."

"If you already made the decisions," Cyril asked. "Why did you take the papers out?"

"For you to look at them," Lana pointed. "You see them?"

"Yes," Cyril said.

"Congratulations," Lana said as she put the papers back in. "You just earned this office thirty-five grand. I'll give these results by the end of the week to make it look good."

"Oh, I get it," Pam nodded.

"From now on," Lana said. "I don't want any of you complaining that I don't bring any revenue into this office! Got it?"

"I'm good," Cyril said.

"And I want two hours of certification towards my detective license," Lana added.

"Two hours for one hour's **work?**" Cyril shouted. "Which technically had nothing to do with detecting?"

"I found work for the agency, didn't I?" Lana snapped. "Two hours!"

"Okay fine!" Cyril snapped. "Deal!"

"Hey! We just earned money for doing nothing!" Pam said. "Now I know how a senator feels."

"I've always wondered what it's like to work in a normal office," Ray remarked. "By the way Lana, when's the next PTA meeting?"


End file.
